New series | Movie titles that remind me how my kids get out of trouble
This technique can only be implemented by socially savvy kids. #2 is that kid. For some reason, God gave her a beautiful face and a whole lot of social game. Ever since she was little, she knew how to work it. I will never forget one time she got in a lot of trouble. On the way home I said, “#2, you are gonna get spanked for each time you did that thing I told you not to do. By my count, you are gonna get five and they are gonna hurt!”
NOTE TO READER: I know spanking is a touchy subject. No pun intended. We never actually use the word “spank”. We use the Korean word (especially in public) “mae mae” which means “I’m Gonna Git You Suka” (another movie title…I’m on a roll). So from here on out, I will use the abbreviation MM to refer to you know what.
You would think that a typical kid would be really really scared. Not #2. She channeled that fear through her spiritual gift…negotiation. After I laid out the plan for discipline she looks at me through the rear view mirror and says, “Daddy I am REALLY sorry.”
I say, “Apology accepted, but you are still gonna get MM.”
She says, “How many times?”
NOTE TO READER: When a kid does this they are trying to trip you up on your really bad memory. They figure since you forget to pick them up, neglect to take them to the park like you promised, etc. that they might shave off a few punishment points just by recapitulating the issue at hand.
I reply (with confidence), “FIVE! And each one is gonna hurt.”
She says, “How about just one soft MM?”
I say, “What??? Soft??? No way! Five hard ones!”
She says, “How about three soft MM and two medium ones?”
I say, “Huh? Do I look like a Wetzel Pretzel cashier to you? FIVE!”
NOTE TO READER: During this conversation, my wife is looking out the window vibrating like crazy because she is trying so hard not to bust out laughing.
#2 says, “How about…”
I interrupt, “Cut it out. I said five, so its five. If you keep this up I am gonna add MMs your punishment.”
We get home and I take #2 upstairs. She is already crying.
NOTE TO READER: Don’t get all sappy and thinking that she is a victim. Negotiators are impeccable with their timing when it comes to opening their tear ducts. It is all strategy and I am no fool.
I take her to our room and give her five soft MMs. Damn.